Love knows no bounds. It doesn’t know when to knock or who to love or how to do it. It just consumes your thoughts of that person and that alone makes you happy. They say it makes your heart skip a beat. They say all words come out wrong when you’re conversing. Funny, I haven’t experienced that. I always had something to say and I say it. True, there were many times that I felt a bit stunned but words would just come crawling out of my mouth. Some were awfully cheesy, some were frustratingly stupid while some were just plain jokes or insults.
I think I hurt his feelings sometimes. I apologized for some while I considered some as just small things, so I assumed he would understand. We were buddies. Then, we became good friends and then I fell in love. I started to miss him. I laughed at his corniest jokes. It was a distinct feeling of nothing but sunshine and blue skies. He’s the only person who said he will TRY to be there for me. He wasn’t with me during the happy times or the lonely times but he was usually there to comfort me in my depressive states. It meant a lot to me. In later months, tears followed and emptiness and sadness grew to gigantic proportions. My grades crashed. I found myself with no money to spare because I developed the liking for alcohol and nicotine. I was envious of relationships that blossomed around me. My hang-ups occurred more frequently. Love was eating me. It was destroying my life. There was a time that I was so angered by the way he was treating me that I wished he was dead. I said I’d never talk to him. It was then I realized I had to move on. But, our friendship meant a lot to me so, with the help of my friends and prayers, I tried(for the nth time). The feeling is still there but I just ignore it. I just want to enjoy his company without crying after. I know I’d be happier.
Loving him has been quite a ride; from hanging out in cafes to the trekking in mountains to finally saying goodbye. Recounting all the tears, I could’ve created the perfect storm. The exact reasons for which, I know not of. I guess it was because of a heart that gave love but was not returned the same amount of love. He did not want me to fall for him. But I did and I chose to remain “his”. I don’t regret falling in love, though. He taught me how to be selfless and forget selfishness. I learned to take no for an answer and that it may be a good thing. I realized that not all battles are won and you’re not always a loser if you pull back. Through him, I recognized all the people who love me and I’ve never been more thankful to God than now.
There was a moment where he just stood, looking afar. I knew he was thinking of reasons why he never fell in love. It wasn’t his time, then. Now he’s getting there. And no, he will not knock on my door. I hope she opens it. I don’t want him to feel the pain of rejection.
In silence, you can hear your heart and brain debate or finish each other’s sentences. My heart’s still talking about a boy I love and my brain’s trying to ignore it. All I want to do right now is to hold him really tight and feel his heartbeat and I want to keep the memory. I’m dreaming again. I’m still losing my grip. But, I’ll keep moving on. I don’t know where I’m going right now, all I know is I’m going without him. I hope I get there.
