what's wrong??

my preceptor reprimanded me on Monday. she started with a simple "What part of nursing do you love Ms? i couldn't answer of course. what was i going to say? clearly, i wasn't prepared for that. i ended up crying 5 minutes later. i couldn't stop my tears. it was so hard to cry, considering the fact that some of my clasmates were still present when we had that conversation. i just couldn't handle it. it ws embarssing. people say i come out strong, tough. i would agree, its a rule i like to impose on myself. it covers all the pain and insecurities i feel inside. its a great facade. as abigail said, im a crab, tough shell, soft on the inside. i am a liar. i've created too many castles in the air and in the ground. now, i can't determine which is which. i lost myself somewhere in the middle. i'm in the clouds. certainly, not cloud 9. i was trying so hard to be cool. now that i'm trying to be myself again, i can no longer find that 'me'. there is clearly no satisfaction in the things that i used to enjoy. i like having parties at my place. i enjoy them a lot. lately, i've found myself flying off to somewhere. instead of euphoria, i feel lonely. like i'm caged, caught somewhere between the city of angels and demons. i've been cooking up more fabulously, unattainable visions of myself doing things that i know i'm not capable of doing. i find it comforting and i think it is an unhealthy mannerism. my friends have always been there for me during these times and slowly they're moving away. i want them too. i like pushing that idea. i feel ashamed that for nearly four years thy've been helping me with this burden on my back. alas, nothing has changed. i'm tired and i feel that they're tired to. i don't want them to suffer for me. i want out of this but i have to do this on my own. looking back, they were there but none of the advices i heard wiped misery away. i guess, the best advice you can get is from your head and heart...

what's up?

the past week has, yep, passed. it was one hell of a university week. nothing much. just a bunch athletes waiting for their food and drinks to come. too bad, i was in charge. we lost a lot of games. anyway, whats up with my life? nothing much. some hyperactivity as evidenced by boisterous laughter, exaggerated mood swings and fatigability at the end of the day. same old, same old. i wonder, does anybody even read this blog. didn't think so. i guess, this is my diary. i don't even like writing anymore. i don't want to have anything to do with pen and paper. we love laptops, don't we all? here i go again. see me speed off in my anger boat, along the river of madness to reach that sea of tranqulity (-- be it death or recovery from my emotional turmoil). i just hope this ends soon enough...