Love knows no bounds. It doesn’t know when to knock or who to love or how to do it. It just consumes your thoughts of that person and that alone makes you happy. They say it makes your heart skip a beat. They say all words come out wrong when you’re conversing. Funny, I haven’t experienced that. I always had something to say and I say it. True, there were many times that I felt a bit stunned but words would just come crawling out of my mouth. Some were awfully cheesy, some were frustratingly stupid while some were just plain jokes or insults.
I think I hurt his feelings sometimes. I apologized for some while I considered some as just small things, so I assumed he would understand. We were buddies. Then, we became good friends and then I fell in love. I started to miss him. I laughed at his corniest jokes. It was a distinct feeling of nothing but sunshine and blue skies. He’s the only person who said he will TRY to be there for me. He wasn’t with me during the happy times or the lonely times but he was usually there to comfort me in my depressive states. It meant a lot to me. In later months, tears followed and emptiness and sadness grew to gigantic proportions. My grades crashed. I found myself with no money to spare because I developed the liking for alcohol and nicotine. I was envious of relationships that blossomed around me. My hang-ups occurred more frequently. Love was eating me. It was destroying my life. There was a time that I was so angered by the way he was treating me that I wished he was dead. I said I’d never talk to him. It was then I realized I had to move on. But, our friendship meant a lot to me so, with the help of my friends and prayers, I tried(for the nth time). The feeling is still there but I just ignore it. I just want to enjoy his company without crying after. I know I’d be happier.
Loving him has been quite a ride; from hanging out in cafes to the trekking in mountains to finally saying goodbye. Recounting all the tears, I could’ve created the perfect storm. The exact reasons for which, I know not of. I guess it was because of a heart that gave love but was not returned the same amount of love. He did not want me to fall for him. But I did and I chose to remain “his”. I don’t regret falling in love, though. He taught me how to be selfless and forget selfishness. I learned to take no for an answer and that it may be a good thing. I realized that not all battles are won and you’re not always a loser if you pull back. Through him, I recognized all the people who love me and I’ve never been more thankful to God than now.
There was a moment where he just stood, looking afar. I knew he was thinking of reasons why he never fell in love. It wasn’t his time, then. Now he’s getting there. And no, he will not knock on my door. I hope she opens it. I don’t want him to feel the pain of rejection.
In silence, you can hear your heart and brain debate or finish each other’s sentences. My heart’s still talking about a boy I love and my brain’s trying to ignore it. All I want to do right now is to hold him really tight and feel his heartbeat and I want to keep the memory. I’m dreaming again. I’m still losing my grip. But, I’ll keep moving on. I don’t know where I’m going right now, all I know is I’m going without him. I hope I get there.
Monday, March 17, 2008
The pretty thing about being in love is you get to choose what you want to see and you get the privilege of having to feel what you want to. Yes, it is confusing. It is complicated. On top of that it’s pathetic.
Everyday, I see couples walking by. Some laughing boisterously, others teary-eyed, or just merely walking hand in hand. There isn’t a day that passed that I didn’t ask myself that. I always thought finding love was as simple as talking or watching the latest comedy flick. I just realized that the slightest possibility of love unfolding before me was impossible. But I fell in love and I fell. No one caught me. Falling in love became the greatest mistake I made. It led me to question the existence of love, of my identity, even God. The possibility of me finding myself in the arms of the one I love was about a hundred light years away.
Close, yet far. It is an old line; overused. But that overused line proves that there were others before me who fell in love at the right time, with the wrong person. He is my priority. I’m his sidetrip. I’m just a friend who fell in love with her friend. Twice I told him about what I felt. I got turned down once. He told me that friendship was all he could offer at the time. I was angry and I was crying. My face was numb all over. My hands were shaking. But I stood there next to him, just looking ahead. There was nothing to look at, just dark skies and rooftops. It was the same with what I felt. Empty. Fast forward to 8 months later, I’m still here and hopeful that he will love me back I’m still dreaming about how forever would be like with him.
I’ve heard of comments from people who said that I was always imposing myself, how authoritative I was. I didn’t care. I did things the best and right way I knew how. Then comes this guy who walks into my life and I changed. I was still very much bossy but this time I gave way to the people around me. I thought that if I gave them a chance to do what they wanted, I would be appreciated in return. I gave a lot, too generous perhaps but that was my plan and my goal was to be loved in return. In the long run, I was abused mentally, emotionally and financially. Being the martyr, I stayed, cried, stood up and readied myself to take my life back. I packed all the things he gave me including the pictures. And again, he tried to soothe the pain. I was not happy but he provided relief. I didn’t take him back, he wasn’t mine anyway. Instead, I unpacked all the memorabilia and pretended that I was fine. It wasn’t a very good decision. Instead of talking I was quiet most of the day. I was aloof. I was in the shadows for the longest time ever. Gradually, I loosened the shackles that I restrained myself with. It felt lighter and lighter as I got back to normal, as I tried to play my role as his friend again. Still, I was in love. Its getting harder to contain my feelings. I know one day, he will hear my third and last proposal. This time, it’s either a homerun or I’ll be officially out of the game.
Everyday, I see couples walking by. Some laughing boisterously, others teary-eyed, or just merely walking hand in hand. There isn’t a day that passed that I didn’t ask myself that. I always thought finding love was as simple as talking or watching the latest comedy flick. I just realized that the slightest possibility of love unfolding before me was impossible. But I fell in love and I fell. No one caught me. Falling in love became the greatest mistake I made. It led me to question the existence of love, of my identity, even God. The possibility of me finding myself in the arms of the one I love was about a hundred light years away.
Close, yet far. It is an old line; overused. But that overused line proves that there were others before me who fell in love at the right time, with the wrong person. He is my priority. I’m his sidetrip. I’m just a friend who fell in love with her friend. Twice I told him about what I felt. I got turned down once. He told me that friendship was all he could offer at the time. I was angry and I was crying. My face was numb all over. My hands were shaking. But I stood there next to him, just looking ahead. There was nothing to look at, just dark skies and rooftops. It was the same with what I felt. Empty. Fast forward to 8 months later, I’m still here and hopeful that he will love me back I’m still dreaming about how forever would be like with him.
I’ve heard of comments from people who said that I was always imposing myself, how authoritative I was. I didn’t care. I did things the best and right way I knew how. Then comes this guy who walks into my life and I changed. I was still very much bossy but this time I gave way to the people around me. I thought that if I gave them a chance to do what they wanted, I would be appreciated in return. I gave a lot, too generous perhaps but that was my plan and my goal was to be loved in return. In the long run, I was abused mentally, emotionally and financially. Being the martyr, I stayed, cried, stood up and readied myself to take my life back. I packed all the things he gave me including the pictures. And again, he tried to soothe the pain. I was not happy but he provided relief. I didn’t take him back, he wasn’t mine anyway. Instead, I unpacked all the memorabilia and pretended that I was fine. It wasn’t a very good decision. Instead of talking I was quiet most of the day. I was aloof. I was in the shadows for the longest time ever. Gradually, I loosened the shackles that I restrained myself with. It felt lighter and lighter as I got back to normal, as I tried to play my role as his friend again. Still, I was in love. Its getting harder to contain my feelings. I know one day, he will hear my third and last proposal. This time, it’s either a homerun or I’ll be officially out of the game.
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